shesgotguts | inbox;

ohhhh so its THAT sort of problem

[??? what does that even MEAN.]

still, if u hold it in, it gets all twisted, and the sharp edges start to poke out of u. id hate to see such a kind boy turn into something like that [again.]

haha ur too sweet! im glad theyre doing something more than getting me in trouble! lmao

[ a kind boy...???

he doesn't know what gave her that impression, but he doesn't think he's ever been called that in his life.

it's nice, but probably totally inaccurate...]

wait what do you mean that sort of problem?
it doesnt have to do with THAT sort of thing if thats what youre thinking

so then what does it have to do with hmm? romance? friendships? homesickness?

because all of us are dealing with sexual issues. only some of us are dealing w/ the rest.

[she will not confirm or deny if she's dealing with them too.]

how about you?

you still don't want to return home?

i miss parts of where im from, but none of it is enough to make me want to return to it.
i dont even know if any of it exists anymore

you didnt answer my question, eugene. hmmmmm. [what a nosy shit.]

i hope it does for your sake
i hope it all gets better instead of you having to give up on it

hey
shouldnt we save some talking points for our date?
after the movie well need a lot to talk about

im used to giving up on dreams
but! going back isnt one of them
lagunbiru is my home now. im happy here!

lmao maybe. if this is a date i might not want to see u after it! but you seem to think well have such a good time that well keep seeing each other... do you think i should agree with that idea hmm?

dont say something like that!
youre supposed to be optimistic
besides dont you think we get along pretty well?
i like listening to you

[oh, eugene. she is. she's so hopeful she'll never have to go back to britannia.

and she's hoping she'll get to kiss a cute boy. double hope!]

oh so ur worried? LOL u shouldnt be. i bet ur cute as a button and ill swoon when i see u

i like talking to u and listening to u too! i think we make a nice pair! [of friends, but let him interpret that however he sees fit.]

[cruel...

also every guy here is like weirdly 10/10, eugene's pretty aware he doesn't stand out in any amazing way]

oh

well about what you said
youre used to giving up on dreams
that talks kind of depressing
but i understand a little
as long as you still have the strength to find new ones in spite of it
that kind of courage can make someone survive anything

[kind boys with the desire to dismantle the government sit well with her. but he stands out to her-- no one else has suggested a movie date to her, have they?]

that talk is honest. would u rather me tell you that everything was hunky dory in my life and ive never seen a speck of trouble? that wouldnt make me very interesting...

but i still have a very important dream, and being here? ill have the freedom to make it happen!

i think a life without trouble would be interesting
it seems impossible so
for that alone

yeah yeah...youre really going to try and go through with that here? finding love
and a new home to go to?
or is it something else?

it would be boring
a person without troubles never learns compassion or empathy. if everything goes ur way, then u never learn how to handle loss or disappointment. the worst people are made from the best situations. i wouldnt want to be anywhere near that person.

mhmm! that and maybe start a family. i can marry anyone i want here. no princes or nobles or knights required! i could have halfblood children and no one will tell me no!
the overall dream is to be happy, and thats going to happen here. i know it. ♥

[well, their lives have been continuously ruined by those "worst people", so he can't argue there.]

theyd say the same about people who have only known cruelty and survival
animals that had to kill their souls to survive
who only viewed that kind of thing as a weakness
havent you seen that too?

a place like this isnt exactly good for a marriage kind of thing right?
unless you like sharing

[ooh. a little too close to home. how to answer...]

yes. i have.
ive met people who have only known winning and those who have only known losing.
and those who would do anything to come out on top.

[lelouch, suzaku, her parents, herself. it takes her a couple minutes before she sends the second half of her text, needing time to calm down from her self-induced anger.]

it could be!!! if u love someone, then u work out ur issues together. marriage isnt hard. u just have to be open. but i dont intend on getting married anytime soon. i just like thinking about it!

and are they just as bad as the people you mentioned before?
doesnt the outcome of actions matter more than whats behind them?

also
um
can i ask you a bit of a more serious question

no. theyre not. i think hardships build character. it creates a kinder person, even if that kindness is buried.
and that intentions matter just as much as an outcome does. sometimes even more.
if someone destroys something, its not like u can forgive them but its easier to process if it was done with good intentions

MORE of a serious question? well you may but i may choose not to answer!

the people who are destroyed dont really get to process anything

okay...well
are you running from anything back at home?
something you dont want to face?

not true. we just have more to process and it takes so much more time

am i?
i dont think so
i dont think theres anything for me to face. id go back if there was something to go to, but i cant imagine theres anything left. my emperor is dead, my country is dead. rebuilding a life there isnt what i want to do.

[but she is running. she's always been running. she doesn't want to face her parents, her world, her losses and grieve properly. better to run, and let the pain grow in her heart like ivy over a gate.]

hah
isnt that a little strange? to see people who suffer as interesting
i dont find any suffering ive done as very interesting
and i dont find any destruction ive seen anything i can ever take the time to think about
ive been too busy having to live

corpses cant process anything you know
it doesnt matter to them how much they could understand the person who killed them

you dont need to build your country again if it isnt your job
there will be others that have to do that
you just want to be free then?

its better that way
if you never have to think about pain and suffering... youre lucky
i was interested in people like that before i made a career out of it
i dont think i could ever be like you when it comes to this
its not a bad thing to be like you, tho

corpses, though, are just dead and not destroyed. life ended, not always ruined
but i get what youre saying
its not if they can or not, they dont get a choice or a chance to try

its not anyones job. it was the emperors but hes dead. so now we have to fix the country for him.
if anyone should rebuild it, its someone like me. a citizen burned by the noble hierarchy. it would make sense. an ex-noble restoring honour to britannia. poetic
but youre right. freedom. thats what i want. no titles, no obligations, nothing. freedom to choose and be whatever i wish to be.

it doesnt really matter if its bad to be like me or not
i am who i am

ideals and beliefs and all of that bleed out of someone in their last moments
all that matters is living to the next day
what the guy killing me has been through wont matter much to me in the end
and what ive been through wont matter much to him

ex-noble????
so a country that gave you a lot but also took a lot from you
if you dont want to rebuild it then dont rebuild it
should things crumble without you i guess that isnt your fault anyway since you didnt sign up for anything
so what do you want to choose to be?

of course
and i like whoever you happen to be

youre right
youre right and im sorry

ex-noble
my family was forced into exile after empress marianne was assassinated and we lost a lot
im not going back ever, and i dont think anyone can fix everything that was ruined. but i still wish i could help.

what do i want to choose to be?
for now, free
ill figure the rest out later

[does she really
people say these things but none of it seems real
and it's a little too dangerous to grasp something just because it's what you want to hear]

who i happen to be
im not anything special you know
all of the guys that are with me are just like me
you should meet them all

freedom from titles and restrictions and all of that
thats the stuffy kind that comes with nobility
not the kind that makes you an animal
so when you say freedom i guess i want to know what that is to you
its not like wanting to be a commoner or something stupid like that right?

but you are. youre so unique and wonderful
but id like to meet your friends!
if they have even a tenth of your kindness and charm, ill adore them

have you ever felt caged? like a bird kept on display?
inside the cage is safe but the people who have you, you dont know what theyre going to do with you. they feed you and pamper you and give you all these wonderful things and it seems nice
until you figure out that theyve been kind so they can sell you
i never want to feel like my choices arent mine again
my hand in marriage is mine to give, my body is mine to control
thats what i want
i dont care if im king or peasant. as long ive made the decisions to get there on my own.

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